The Conflict Management Routine

The doctrine is that we are a united team, one big ‘corporate managed’ family entwined with a connected global village. Synthetic harmony descends like a medieval plague – some people catch the fever, keel over and surrender to a death of placidity and defeat. The rest hole themselves up in isolation and calculate their next move. There is no family and certainly no village. We are all on our own.

But the appearance of cohesiveness rules the day. After a misunderstanding (codeword for conflict), over-exerted politeness is called upon to cease and smother conflict, so that the disgruntled parties can take the orchestrated steps to resolution. These include gestures such as formulating a specific complaint, resisting the temptation to involve others in the conflict, trying to depersonalise conflicts (the banal “us versus the problem” rather than “me versus you, you fucking idiot” tactic), and finally trying to “listen” very intently to the other’s problems before explaining one’s own position. The demands of ceremonial niceness go on and on. Don’t always involve superiors in conflict resolution.

If an extended discussion is necessary, agree first on a time and place to ‘talk’ and perhaps take the issue ‘outside’ and negotiate away from the office gossip mongers. Limit complaints to abstract terminology. Direct discriminating character assassination is a nasty no-no. Know when conflict isn’t just conflict, but when it is actually sexual, racial or ethnic harassment. Consider using a mediator if the issue is too emotional to resolve in a mutual discussion. Involve a supervisor. Don’t involve a supervisor. Consider hiring a professional assassin counsellor. Admit your fault first, and wait for theirs. Cover it up in layers of bureaucratic jargon and hope it goes away. Or quit your job citing ‘personal differences’ – not only does it look good on a CV, it’s great trying to explain it to people who depend on your wage, like your family, partners, and the loan shark.